I know you like to worry it'll be better if you don't cause . .

Happiness is not a constant. As much as you want to remind happy, there's always something that comes around and knocks you down -- & then you're no longer happy. Its like [l i f e] has to give you a slap in the face at times just to remind you that you dont live in a fairytale and that you are indeed apart of reality ; along with the rest of your peers.

I also find it hard to stay happy when your whole life is basically flashing right before your eyes. And while your digging in the couch and looking behind your bed for that pause button that you know has to be somewhere, that lil thing called 'your life' is going on about its way and occasionally tapping you on the shoulder to let you know that you need to keep up and pay attention. . Because before you know it ; those times when you should of paid attention and enjoyed it the most, will be long gone. Minus the replay button.

So as I begin to distance myself from everyone and everything around me, it hasnt made life pause for a second to enjoy the time i have left. Instead it makes me feel like a fool in the end when I realize how much time I've wasted saying how much I dont want to leave, when I could be spending that time studying for these upcoming exams. I just feel like while everyone else is ready to go home, I'm not. I think back on all the things I left undone and never had a chance to experience as a college freshman and I dont think that next year will be the same.

I thought that this first year would help me learn more about what I want to do with my life but I feel as if I'm still in the same spot. Taking pointless classes and just hoping to pass so I can move on to the next level of pointless classes and it just feels likes an endless cycle.

All I'm saying is, it too much to ask for just to be happy? Thats a simple question right? Or do I just need to realize that reality is what I'm stuck in and there no going back to the simpler times. I know I need some growing up to do to help me realize this. But until then, I'm just waiting on that answer. . .

&& I will see you soon. . . ♥